When you first enter a new relationship, you want to know everything about the other person, and nothing is more important than food. There are questions that once you know the answer to, they will forever mark your view of that person.
You can perhaps ignore whether they are a blue-ribboned capitalist or a sandle-toting Marxist, a bible-bashing religious zealot or a staunch atheist; what we really want to know is ‘milk or yoghurt’, ‘tea or coffee’, ‘beer or wine’, ‘dinner or tea’, ‘love it or hate it’ and of course - the ultimate conundrum - ‘smooth or crunchy’.
A crunchy nut-butterer by definition takes the rough with the smooth, they like a little bit of surprise in their otherwise monotonous lives. But they’ve got texture - grit and determination. A smoothy will always have the right lines and living with them is plain sailing, but are they really going to whisk you away on that holiday weekend you’ve always dreamed of? Take the test here to find out whether your partner is a Smoothy or a Crunchy(-y).
1. How many rolls of toilet paper did your partner buy before lockdown? (A) More than 24. (B) Less than 24.
2. Your partner recommends that you treat yourself to a COVID-19 virtual ‘day retreat’ to spice up lockdown. Do they (A) build a tent in the living room, fill it with essential calming fragrances to lower your cortisol levels, put on some Peruvian pan-pipe music and offer you a hot oil treatment, or (B) Create an assault course around the kitchen involving squats, jumping over stacks of toilet roll, putting some dishes away and ending with a short sports massage.
3. You’re taking your daily constitution. An hour’s welcome exercise with your partner. You’re walking down the pavement together, keeping your social distance, and someone approaches coming the other way on their own. Lockdown etiquette would suggest 2 vs. 1 rules apply - they have to move to make way for you. However, they’re not budging. Does your partner (A) Usher you both into the road, potentially into the path of traffic, apologising to the person coming the other way, or (B) Get their tape measure, loudspeaker and traffic cones out.
4. It’s time to Netflix-and-Chill. The lights are dim, the wine’s out, you’re nuzzled and fully locked down. And then the internet cuts off. What does your partner do? (A) Calls tech support in India via Zoom on 4G while fluffing their pillows. (B) Climbs onto the roof in pyjamas to fix the satellite, not fully understanding that people don’t have satellites any more, nor the extremity of the risks involved.
5. Your partner is 6’ 6” tall, or in other words exactly 2m - the government’s guide for social distancing. You get into a dispute queuing at the supermarket about the distance the person in front of you is standing in the queue. Does your partner (A) Get out their laser gun measurer and file a formal complaint. (B) Lie head to toe on the tarmac between yourself and the offending individual, head at your feet, and loudly declare, ‘I’m exactly 2 metres, sooo…’.
6. Netflix is fixed (yay). What are you watching? (A) Mostly Planet Earth, Unorthodox and Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. (B) Mostly Money Heist, Succession and Tiger King.
7. You ask your partner what ‘furloughing someone’ means. Do they say (A) “A critical element of the Coronavirus Job Retention Scheme, whereby the government underwrites people’s salaries who would have otherwise been made redundant”, or (B) “Who I have been following? It doesn’t mean anything. Literally nothing at all.” And then turns their phone off, hides it under a cushion and sits on it.
8. You both haven’t been to the shops for several weeks and are now down to some store-cupboard staples: farfalle, Heinz baked beans, some digestive biscuits and various spices on the spice rack from 2014 - nutmeg, cumin and smoked paprika. Does your partner (A) Drain the baked beans from the sauce, infusing the sauce with paprika and nutmeg and gently tossing into cooked farfalle, whilst at the same time crushing the beans with cumin and garlic to make falafel, coating them in the digestive biscuit crumb and lightly dehydrating overnight for tomorrow’s lunch, or (B) Cook beans on biscuit.
If you have answered mostly (A) that means your partner is a smoothy. We recommend drizzling over them London Bruncher Cashew & Vanilla Butter or JEM Cinnamon Maca Almond Butter. These are both beautiful slowly stone ground organic nut butters, super silky smooth; and for a slightly more rustic blend for all those carob fans out there, Nutcessity’s Caromel Cashew is a winner. If you have answered mostly (B) your partner is a crunchy muncher, there’s no two ways about it. Peanut is the way to go with crunchy, and so get stuck in to the ManiLife Deep Roast or Yumello’s Crunchy Peanut, which is inspired by the Atlas Mountains no less, with a twist of nutty cold-pressed argan oil. Shop our selection below or peruse our pantry here.